So good, it's SCARY

OOoOooohhh... 

Looks like Halloween came early this year!

DISCLAIMER:

The image that you are about to see is grotesque and horrifying.  You will not be able to un-see the following picture so please proceed with caution.  It is suggested that you move you children away from the computer as they may be scarred for life upon glance at the monster that is about to appear on screen.

READY???

MY EYES!!!  
MY EYES!!!

OH MY GOD!!!
THE HORROR!!!  


What the hell are we looking at?

That, my dear readers, is the inside of my latest purchase
A vintage CHANEL tote in yellow lambskin leather 
with absolutely ZERO LINING.

NONE.

NO LINING.

Just sticky ripped up goo inside of this once ridiculously pricey piece of leather artistry.

Here is a closer look at the interior

Why did I buy such an incredibly trashed handbag?

It's yellow.
It's CHANEL.
And now
It's MINE.

Oh, and the price was killer.

KILLER!!!

 Hello, my pretty.... 

Okay, so scary ass lining aside... this bag is good.  Hella good.  It has no major flaws on the exterior leather other than normal dirt from everyday wear and a small pen mark.

I've already done some research and have found a company that will restore my handbag to it's prime condition.  The lining will be replaced and the leather will get a super duper cleaning and conditioning.  Fab-u-lous!

Now...

Are you ready for the scandal???

Upon receipt of my purse, I glanced at the lining and saw what I thought was an authentication tag in the zippered pocket.  I couldn't exactly get to it so I did what any sane person would have done and RIPPED IT OUT!!

Why not?  Was the interior going to suffer because of it?  I thought not.

Business cards.

I found business cards.  2 actually.  Belonging to the same person.  Oh, this must have been her purse.  Why'd this crazy bitch trash her amazing handbag?  I know you know what I did next...

GOOGLE TIME!

That's right, Google.  I love Google.  Everything you didn't know that you wanted to know about anyone you've ever met, dreamed about, bought purses from - it's right there!  On the internet.  Good, bad, naked... For all to see.  I love it!

With minimal effort on my part, I found dirt - and not just on the bag - on the former owner of this tip-top-trashed CHANEL tote.

Oh, my.  It's like a plot to a crime show on late night network television.  I'll give you the Cliff Notes version... Highly regarded official runs off to her homeland of Hong Kong with buko-bucks stolen from trusting clients and has yet to be caught.

Shut up!
Crazy, right?

So, how is it that I came to own this handbag once owned by such a criminal woman?  Here is my guess.  I think that the lady fled overseas leaving behind a home.  In that home, lies all of her designer possessions, purchased with stolen funds.  The feds come in, seize the items and search for remaining money.  Maybe it's in the lining of the bag... Let's rip it and find out.

All of the remaining designer articles are then sold via consignment store and the money goes to the state to payback the wronged people. 

True story?  Maybe.  I guess we'll never know

What I do know it that this yellow beauty is going to the spa and will be returned shortly to its new owner (moi) to live a less thrilling but crime-free lifestyle.  AND that I have an am-aaaa-zing  story to tell at parties!



  

Surprise! The roulette wheel of online shopping...

Once a year the kitschy, retro inspired online clothing company MODCLOTH does a surprise sale. What the heck is a surprise sale? You tell me. 

Bust out your number 2 pencils because it's...

POP QUIZ TIME!

Question 1.

The Modcloth Surprise Sale is:

A: The chance to get everything on the website for FREE! Load your cart up quickly because when it's gone, it's gone!

B: An extra discount in the form of a coupon code. Use the code HIPSTER for an additional 75% off!

C: A $10.00 sale.  You pay Modcloth $10.00 and they will send you a surprise article of clothing in your size.

D. A charitable donation. You pay Modcloth $25.00 and the money goes to a good cause.  In return, you get a "I Heart Modcloth" t-shirt.

And the answer is...

C

If you answered,  C. Then good for you! You are one smart cookie.  If you answered A, B or D... well, better luck next time.

Before I show you what I got in today's mail, I will tell you about last year's experience. It was bad.  Really bad.  So bad that not even Lena Dunham would wear the atrocities that were sent to me.  I don't remember exactly what I received but I do recall ditsy floral prints.   Eww. NO.  HELL NO. And no refunds or exchanges either.  Gross.

The "clothes so bad I wouldn't even wear them on Halloween" items ended up on eBay. I think I broke even.  I don't remember.  Maybe I paid someone to take them.  No recollection.

Fast forward to last week... 

I've decided to give the surprise sale another chance! Why? Because I'm a insane gambling woman!

The surprise arrived today!  I took a deep breath, prayed for a lack of floral prints and had at that box with a scissors.

Pleeease don't be ugly!
Pleeease don't be ugly!

Here's what I got:

Supa-dupa cute rubber heels!  Wait, what?  4" PEEP TOE PUMPS done in RED RUBBER.  You know, for those rainy days when a wellie just won't do or for bondage night at your local scary ass watering hole.  Okay, these are a little much for me but the plus side is that the retail on these babies is close to $75.00 and they're currently in stores!  Awesome!  You bad-ass shoes are going on eBay!

A green blouse with black enamel FLORAL buttons.  Thank God that's the only floral that ended up in my surprise box!  The shirt is made of POLY - a fabric that I almost never include in my wardrobe - but with a cute belt and a cardy (as shown) it could work.

Last but not least, a faux wrap dress done in a cute green hounds-tooth pattern.  The length is a little strange but overall it is a flattering design.  Again, it is done in POLY (heh!) but for $10.00 I can't expect cashmere.

MORAL OF THIS STORY:

I don't know!

1 out of 2 times ain't bad?  

You have a 50-50 shot at getting something crappy for $10.00?

Hey, if you've got the extra Hamilton lying around, WHY NOT?  It's fun getting weird stuff in the mail.  And if it's not for you, some bizarre person may give you $20.00 for it. 

A special thanks to my model.  The lack of gluten in ye diet has made your ankles and bust incredibly photogenic.  XOXO

This is how I wear a stilleto

Back in the day, (once upon a time is so overused) Miss Karla wore heels. Lots of them! Friday night drinks? Black Heels. Shopping with friends? Leopard Heels. Off hours clean up at the coffee shop she worked for?  Red Heels. No, really. It happened. I am so sorry that there is no photographic evidence of that event!

OMG, Shoes!

Today I opt for a more sensible shoe.  If I am feeling a bit more ferocious I may throw on a wedge. 

Watch out!  RAWR!

Last week, however,  I decided to return to the stilleto.  I'm not quite sure what the height is... 6, maybe 8 inches tall.  The color is a sumptuous shade of grey. And the best part - it's Louboutin!

"Karla,  have you lost your damn mind?!?!"

"There's no way you are going anywhere in 6-8 inch heels?"

"Who is going to pay for your rhinoplasty after you break your face?"

NO SHOES WERE HARMED IN THE MAKING OF THIS PHOTO

And ewww, girl!  Pedicure time.

HUH?

Oh, no no no NOT shoes!

NAIL POLISH!

Ah nail polish, my first love.  Long before my sick awesome obsession with purses, it was all about the paint.  Every color, shade, hue - light, dark, high gloss and matte. I have them all.  Well, not all but definitely more than most sane people.  Here's a few...

Don't call A&E on me. 

Cue "Intervention" music...

The day I read that none other than CHRISTIAN LOUBOUTIN would be debuting a collection of polishes I immediately stopped breathing was instantly intrigued.  His first polish was to be released as a limited edition color with a slightly taller bottle in his signature bright red sole shade.

Come to mama!

Ooooh... I want it!  

But then I remembered that my manicurist isn't too keen on the idea of red polish on my fingernails.  Haters ruin everything, don't they?  Let's peruse the collection...

Don't lose my address, Santa!

Luckily for me, there were more shades to choose from! I decided on a shade of grey called DAFFODILE.

"Karla, isn't a daffodile a YELLOW flower?"

"Is Louboutin stupid?"

"Hey, that plant isn't yellow either!  And it looks plastic!" 

Shut up.

No.  It's not DAFFODIL, like the flower - it's DAFFODILE, like his iconic shoe. 

You know the one. Here, I'll shoe show you.

If it's good enough for Bey, it's good enough for Mey me.

Ohhhh...

Yep. 

Fashionably educational reading brought to you by BalenciagAGAIN.  Go impress someone with your Louboutin shoe knowledge later.  Or better yet, make it interesting and put some money on it! 

Say... $50.00. 

"I bet I can tell you the designer and style name of that Posh's shoes?"

Is anyone REALLY looking at her shoes right now?

Hey BECKS, HEY!

Then go buy yourself something nice and glossy.  Just not my shade.  It's signature!

TRADESY, I hope you Google this!

TRADESY is another resale marketplace in the likes of Threadflip, Shop-Hers and Vaunte.  Why did I just mention Vaunte?  We all know what a horrible company THAT IS.

Over the past couple of weeks I have sold not one, but FOUR handbags on Tradesy.  Chloe, Marc and dos Balenciagas all found new homes and I found decent profits with a 9% commission payout.  Stupendous!

Well... Not really.

Upon attempting to withdraw my earnings, I was informed that Tradesy would be taking an additional 2.9% as a "safe transfer fee".  BULL S-H-I-T.  One phone call later to the service department and I just saved myself an additional $56.00.  I don't pay fees.  EVER.

 Tradesy: we don't disclose hidden fees.  That's HAUTE!

Moving on...  

We all know that when everything is going fabulously, someone's bound to rain on the parade.

Time to bust out the umbrellas kids because here comes the storm!

On Friday I received an email from "Renee G." at TRADESY.  She informed me that my black Balenciaga Hobo willing be returned to me via UPS on the suspicion that the handbag is... wait for it... FAKE. 

"In addition, after our review, your bag was found to possibly be a replica item."

Errrrrrrr......

Wait, what? 

You talkin' to me?  I'm about to go "De Niro" on "Renee G."

Hell no, Renee G!  I'm offended.  REALLY offended.  I now know what it feels like to have someone call your baby ugly.  Why don't you just point out that I'm fat too while you're at it.  Ass-hat.

You talkin' to me, Tradesy?

For the record, the b-bag is NOT FAKE.  Of course it isn't.  Was there any question?  In fact, it was purchased from the CEO of Shop-Hers.  Shop-Hers is a far superior site to Tradesy.  All of the handbags on their site are from only the best luxury designers and brought in house for authentication prior to shipment.  No.  Fakes.  Ever.  And you're damn right I mentioned that in my reply to "Renee G."  Bitch.

I have since pulled all of my AUTHENTIC handbags from Tradesy and will now have to search for other resale options.

I will only buy my bags from Manhattan, TRADESY!

So, why is Tradesy questioning the authenticity of my Balenciaga?  Who the heck knows!  I'm curious to see if the buyer (with no previous purchase history on the site) changed out the bags and shipped back a fake.  It could happen.  All I'm saying is that if my bag returns to me and it's a Berenciager... Im-a-gettin-a-lawyer.  Then I'll own Tradesy.  And you can all shop for free.  You're welcome.

Is Elle Woods available to represent my case?

 

Chicagoan Pickers

Labor Day Weekend.

ROAD TRIP!  

anyone need a windmill?

Today I took Mom to Long Grove, Illinois.  

What's in Long Grove, IL?  

Old people nice folks and old stuff antique stores.  

Not much else.

After a lunch of light fish and white wine (I have suddenly aged 40 years) I stepped into the hot sun and 95 degree tempurates.  Wow, it's hot!  

I felt awesome-mmm-ly buzzed.  Shopping?  Sure.  

My favorite thing about antique store shopping is all of the layers.  A good antique store is like a puzzle of jewelry, china and every which collectible.  It's dizzying - even more so after that Chardonnay.  I walked into "The Emporium" on Coffin Road (insert joke here) and was instantly overwhelmed.  

Whoa.  Where do I begin?

soooo much stuff

That's easy.  

JEWELRY.

I immediately found a glass case filled to the top with all things shiny.  "What are you looking for today?"  HOLY SHI...  Where did that come from?  I turn my eye to see the corpse like woman sitting in the corner.  Haha...  "Hey, yeah.  Just looking for something that jumps out at me (like you just did, buzz wrecker!)"  We discussed the joys and pains of clip-on earrings and then I moseyed on over to the other side of the room.  She was very sweet, actually.  

And not dead.  I think.

is that a ghost?

On the other side of the store I found even MORE JEWELRY!  The owner of the store, Penny, explained that everything was ON SALE to the tune of 40% off because of a recent flood.  Too much inventory and not enough space means great deals for moi.  Love it!

Here's what I bought:

I didn't buy this.  

I just needed to photograph it for Ms. J because she J'adores Dior

I did buy this.  

A musical jewelry box.  It works too!

Pewter and enamel butterfly ring

$6.00!  

Do you Karla take this pear shaped beauty for $10.00?  

I DO.

Milk Glass Vase from the 1940s?

It's old.  

Don't break it.

Vase?  

Wine Glass?  

Same Thing.

Hopefully I don't catch the syphilis from drinking out of it.

I scored vintage stage money bills FOR FREE after I told the owner that I sell theater tickets.

The Van Horn & Son Theatrical Costume Firm was in operation from 1852-1952. 

These will look great framed in my office!

Thanks Penny.

I needed some chocolate after all of that rummaging.  

It's not a Turtle.

It's a Myrtle.

Better get to bed.  It's after 7:00PM.

It's Magic!

Here is the inside of the purse I picked up yesterday.  I purchased it from a consignment store in Lincoln Park that sells everything via online auction.  The bag is designer.  It is vintage.  It is amaaazing.  Without telling you who made it or what it cost... I will now show you everything that this bag can hold.  

Prepare to be amazed!   

 One big checkbook sized wallet a la maison Balenciaga.

 Another smaller - work credit cards only - marc by marc jacobs wallet.

 Giant sunglasses in their case.  No scratched lenses here!

 Huge Dior makeup bag courtesy of J.  Thanks J.

 

Car keys with 2 obnoxiously big key fobs.

 Motel style key ring for house keys.

 Lanyard with key-less entry for those days when I have to go to the office.

 And Willie Nelson.  

His friends could fit in there too (if you know what I mean)

The answer...

Tivoli GM Bag 

by

Louis Vuitton

I never would have considered this bag before (because it's NOT leather) but I thought I'd give it a chance.  It is very lightweight because the main structure is coated canvas.  The leather detailing has naturally developed a nice patina, giving it lots of character.  The wide mouth opening allows me to find all of my stuff easily.  And... I got it for a steal!  What could be better?  

Come along Willie, let's go shopping!

Oh Bloody Hell

Do you remember when I said this???  "Don't buy a designer bag on eBay... ever!"  Yeah, that should go for selling too.  What a bunch of moron buyers!  Here's what I'm dealing with today...

SOLD!
Alexander McQueen
Small De Manta Clutch in Bronze Leather.
Gorgeous and BRAND NEW!
Retail: $895.00 US

I'd recently sold the very same clutch in SILVER to a buyer on a designer consignment website.  Feeling optimistic, I purchased another NEW McQueen clutch in BRONZE to sell for some more profit.  Side note, it was a hell of a sale... I should have bought all of them!  Oh well.

I didn't want the consignment website to raise an eyebrow as to why I was hoarding De Manta clutches, so I threw it on eBay.  And it sold - to a Brit no less.

Great.

I feel just great.  Flipper extraordinaire. I'm so smart!  Best business-woman ever.

NOPE. 

Not even minutes later, I received a message from yip, yip, cherrio cheapskate about how "I'll pay when I can.  Right oh."

Seriously?

Seriously.

eBay allows "buyers" to BUY IT NOW yet not pay for it now.  What the F is that about!??!  I've even taken the time out of my day to sit on hold with the eBay phone reps to question why it is that they allow such a thing.  Because, they do.  It's total BS!

It has now been ONE WEEK since that bag "sold" and still no payment from the buyer.  I believe according to eBay's stupid rules that if her royal majesty doesn't pay by tonight - the sale will be canceled and I'll receive a listing credit.  SUPER.  Thanks for your generosity, eBay.  Granted, the bag is still sitting in it's original packaging on the top shelf on my closet but I WANT A PAYMENT!  How am I supposed to buy more designer bags to sell?  And the Labor Day sales are starting too, dammit!  Oh Bloody Hell.

The letter "C"

C.

Words that start with the letter "C"

Hmmm...

Let's see C.

CHLOE

• CRAP!  The leather of a Chloe handbag is crap! Scroll down to see C my next "C" for more on "crap".  I am officially DONE purchasing CHLOE bags.  DONE!  I addressed the leather quality in my last post and have since then SOLD the Black Chloe Paraty Bag.  THANK GOD!  I bid you adieu, Chloe.  We had a so-so run you & I - but it's over.  Don't cry.  You'll ruin your sub-par leather.

Baby Spice may love you, but I don't.

CRAP

• Sometimes it is necessary to buy a knock-off piece of jewelry.  Here's an excellent example: When the one necklace you really, really have your heart set on is $16,000.00 - it's time to look into other options.  No, stripping is NOT an option.  ETSY is always an option.  I bought a "replica" of the gorgeous "Vintage Alhambra Long" necklace by Van Cleef & Arpels from a seller on Etsy that even let me USE A COUPON!  Bless her heart!  Sadly, my necklace had a run in with the dog yesterday and the result was well... ruff. 

Van Cleef & Arpels' necklace: A timelessly elegant piece to be passed down to generations

My Etsy version: Cat toy.

CHANEL

• Guess what finally arrived in the mail?  Mademoiselle, Chanel.  I'll pause for applause....  Enough, enough.  Now, THIS is what I'm talking about when it comes to leather!  Soft, buttery, delicious lambskin leather.  YES!  Thank you CHANEL.  Okay, party's over.  There is a downside.  Actually, a few.  Boo!  The purse is small.  The silver chain shoulder strap isn't as heavy as the gold.  The box quilting leaves me wishing it was diamond quilted.  The interior is fabric lined.  I'll stop there.  "Hey Blogger Bitch!  What is your problem???  It's CHANEL..."  Yes.  And if it was free CHANEL I'd stop complaining.  Standards people, STANDARDS!  For now, it's up for sale - priced to attract a buyer less crazy than myself.  I do believe that I have the option to return it as well but I am not desperate yet.

 Someone read me a bedtime story because I'm zzzzz...